I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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