I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
