She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
