can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
