my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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