I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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