I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
