i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
