New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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