If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
