you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
