Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
