Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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