Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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