I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
