I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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