So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
