You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm going to jail i love you
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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