Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
