theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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