i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
