she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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