the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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