I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
