she woke up with a sticky ear
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.