Can Purell be used as lube?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
