I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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