Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
