Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
