Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
