there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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