But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This toilet bowl is my home.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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