I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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