not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
