My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
