everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
