This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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