I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
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I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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