I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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