The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
tell me about the eggs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
