So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
