if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Too much gin, very little bucket
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
They took my balls.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
