I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
