All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
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Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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