Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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