I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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