Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
