She's JV to your varsity
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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