I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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