I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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