I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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