also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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