I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
