My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
