last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
