I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
