The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
