ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
